Jokes

COMPLIMENT HER,
RESPECT HER,
HONOUR HER,
CUDDLE HER,
KISS HER,
CARESS HER,
LOVE HER,
STROKE HER,
TEASE HER,
COMFORT HER,
PROTECT HER,
HUG HER,
HOLD HER,
SPEND MONEY ON HER,
WINE AND DINE HER,
BUY THINGS FOR HER,
LISTEN TO HER,
CARE FOR HER,
STAND BY HER,
SUPPORT HER,
HOLD HER,
GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR HER,

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

SHOW UP NAKED,
BRING FOOD

10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?

8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

7. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Jerk!

5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

4. Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a three for one special!

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you have the hangover after work instead of before.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (depending of course on
the boss).
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

1)Q:What is the first thing a blond does when they wake up?
A:They go home.

2)Q:What is the difference between a telephone and a blond?
A:It's thirty-five cents to use the phone.

3)Q:What does a good basketball team have in common with a bad basketball team, a group of men and a blond?
A:Everyone scores.

4)Q:What is the mating call of a blond?
A:"I'm so Drunk"

5)Q:Why do blonds have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First

6)Q:Here about the blond that got an AM radio?
A:It took her a month to find out that you can play it in the afternoon.

7)Q:Why Cant blonds dial 911?
A:they cant find the 11 button.

8)Q:Why do blond smile during lightning storms?
A:they think their picture has been taken.

9)Q:What did the blond say when she saw the YMCA sign?
A:"hey look, they spelled macy's wrong!!

10)Q:Why did the blond stare @ the orange juice container?
A:It said concentrate

11)A blonde and a brunnet where walking when the brunnet said "Oh look a dead bird"
The blond looked up and said "Where,Where"

12)Q:What do you do if a blonde throws a pin @ you?
A:RUN, she has a grenade in her mouth!!!!

13)Three blondes were driving to disneyland.After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sing that said "disneyland"LEFT",so they turned turned around and went home.

14)Q:What do SMART blondes have in common with UFO's?
A:You hear about them,but don't see them.

15)Q:Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A:You have to hollow out the head.

16)Q:How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?
A:Shine a light in her ear.

17)Q:What happend to the blonde hockey team?
A:They drowned during spring training

18)Q:How can you tell when a blonde sent you a fax?
A:There is a stamp on it.

19)Q:How do you drowned a blonde?
A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker @ the bottum of a pool.

20)Q:How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday?
A:Tell her a joke on Wednsday.

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt..one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his shirt..Muscles rippleacross his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,...And whispers:......"Iron this."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks
"how long before I can get a haircut?
" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then doesn't come back."
A little while later,
Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"